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08 March 2010 @ 10:57 pm
I`m getting that feeling again. You`ll know the feeling if you were in any way acquainted with me last year around this time.

The hopelessness, the stress, and the sheer frustration that school is holding. Maybe everyone else is feeling this way, but just hiding it. I don`t know. But what I do know for sure is that I`ve run out of ways to cope with it.

I`ll tell you firstly, that I love this program in a lot of ways. But, much like that relationship that you just are pleading in your mind to end, you`d sooner just put it out of its misery. (Not that my relationship isn`t perfect in my eyes. In fact, its about the only thing going good right now)

I love how its mostly everything I love(d) to do. Photography, writing, video making, etc... But I hate how everything I love(d) is now turned into some sort of insane quagmire of deadlines and balancing school between, well, basically everything else. So essentially; its removed every ounce of fun and personal creativity that these activities once held for me. Again, I`m not sure this is JUST me, but I definatley know I`m feeling it... Without a doubt...

I don`t want to barely end another year. But my grades are slipping, work is piling up (no matter how hard I doggie-paddle through it) and money is reeeally tight. So I really don`t know what to do anymore, other than stare at my Facebook chat, hoping that one of my classmates will come online and inform me that the deadline I had in my head was wrong and that its actually a week away instead....

...but that never happens, and I know it...
Current Location: Lethbridge, Alberta
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
28 January 2010 @ 01:10 pm
I'm posting this so everyone can give it a quick read and maybe give me some criticism on it. This subject is something I'm very familiar with because I have struggled with telling people about my sexuality due to my fear of being judged.

Just a little bit if an FYI before I start;

Troy Reeb is the Senior Vice President of News and Current Affairs for CanWest Media's Canadian broadcast properties, including Global TV. The internship offered gives college students in the media stream of schooling the opportunity to create a story and enter to intern with Global Television, a major Canadian media network.

Now that you know all that.... let's get started.

Headline: Minorities within Minorities.

You've not yet come to terms about who you are, you haven't even told your best friend. You're terrified to tell anyone. So you turn to the online world. Searching the data banks of Facebook and Myspace, eventually venturing into the full-on dating websites. The places those W5 and 60 minute specials tell you never to go. You're desperate to find someone to tell, preferably someone you don't know and won't run into within your realm of life. But someone you can talk to online from the comfort of behind your computer screen.

So you find a group of people within your community that are your particular minority, and you summon up the courage to contact them in order to find that niche you belong to. For a while, its good. Lots of fun parties and meetings with so many new and different people. The novelty then wears off.

Their Facebook page says they're all about peacefully bringing about the new ideology of gay people into society, to be responsible for the new better views of the minority into the rest of the world. Within their groups, however, they're just as judgmental as the people on the outside. If you decided against being a part of the organization they accuse you of being a self-hating gay person, but if you stay within the group, they force you to be just like all of them. Their enemies are themselves and they don't even know it.

Then there are the people who decide not to be in those groups anymore, to move on with their lives. More often than not, those individuals become successful and don't let the fact that they're gay, lesbian, or bisexual get in the way of that.

Being a part of this demographic isn't a death sentence for your professional life. You can still be successful, with a great life. Gay males have one of the largest percentages of post-secondary schooling completions and hold a large amount of disposable income.

Most of these people aren't part of groups within the gay community, or even an active part of the gay community. The mindset that you need to be active within is not necessarily true.
Current Location: Lethbridge College
11 January 2010 @ 12:29 pm
Let's look back on the year. Why do this? Because its 12:10 and my class actually doesn't start until 12:30. Also, because I need to prove to the girl next to me that livejournal is not, in fact, for gays like blogspot is.

January 2009. (Rough start to the year)

20th birthday. *gasp* But nothing special. Actually, let's fast forward to mid-February when I met my best friend....

The date was sometime in the middle of a cold Southern Alberta February and I met an otter in a Starbucks coffee shop. He was nervous, I was nervous. But we were two normal furries in a city where there isn't so many of us. Alas, the fox and otter became friends. (But also fought alot, alot, alot). And here we are today, January of 2010, still best friends. Or at least I consider him my best friend, he might just consider me a foxy acquaintance.

March and April were boring and filled with emotional turmoil mostly of my own bringing.

Actually, lets go to Junetime. When a crazy orca ventured up to the great white (but definatley not cold) north. But I can't make fun of that situation too much because had it not been for him, I would've never met my most perfect RhinoRhino at YYC. (And we are still happily together today, our 6 month anniversary was just last week on my 21st birthday, January 6th.)

July. The orca is fucking crazy, so I've ditched the otter in a hotel room with him while I spend the night at Rhino's house. I feel bad, but whatever. The otter understands, I'll make it up to him later.

Later in July. The orca is a thing of the past. The Rhino offers to take me to Vancouver, so I accept. Such an excited fox, I was. So excited, in fact, I would run around the city with my arms above my head yelling "VANCOUVER!."

After that trip, Rhino encouraged me to be more open with my parents, not neccesarily coming out to them, but to stop lying. And I did. And it worked :) What a smart Rhino. :3

We went to Vancouver again, Whistler, Victoria, and Toronto. Perfect summer.

Fast forward to December. School finishes up and I'm excited for the holidays.

The worst thing in my life happens. My grandfather has passed away. December 13th, 2009.

The Rhino was right there by my side, I've never cried so much. And he cried, and he was right there helping out my family. That's when I know that he's the one.

He's now a part of my family, my friends are closer. And my family is too.

2010 is gunna be good :)
29 December 2009 @ 08:27 pm
So this year was a combination of the worst and best Christmas I've ever had. The worst obviously for the death of my grandfather, but the best because I'm truly in love this season.

After attending an emotionally difficult Christmas Eve church service with my grandmother and family, we opened presents at my house. Early lunch with my father's side of the family on Christmas Day and then I was to do the six hour drive to Edmonton to see Rhino's family and visit with my father.

The drive was boring, but it went by fast with texts from the Rhino and Otter. As I became closer and closer to the city, I became nervous about the meeting with my mate's family. I tried to remember everything he'd told me about his parents and brother, so I could have interesting conversation and be liked by them.

Rhino met me in the driveway with a kiss and hug when I arrived in Edmonton, ane and then walked me into the house. I met his father (and was immediatley intimidated by him) and his mother (who is probably one of the nicest people I've ever met), and his brother (who, despite Rhino's thoughts about him, is a pretty nice guy). At first I just listened to them talk at dinner, about their home and friends in Wetaskawin, about politics, and the occasional funny story.

I was so happy to be absorbed right into their conversation. Even by his father, who I thought he found me annoying, happily talked to me.

The next day (Boxing Day) we went and picked up a nice new computer for me. Sony Vaio NW to be exact :P. And spent the day at West Edmonton Mall. But for the sheer fact that the mall was ridiculously busy, didn't buy more than two things in the five and a half hours we were there.

The next days were spent visiting my father some more and shopping around, burning my gift cards I received from my aunt Susan.

I was so happy to find out that Rhino's family liked me. And to go even further, they had the best first impression of me out of any of Rhino's mates.

They really made me feel like a part of their family, like mine has made Rhino apart of ours.

Rhino also liked my Vaio so much, he bought one for himself today.. This totals four computers for him... (picture below)

Current Location: Lethbridge, Alberta
Current Mood: happyhappy
15 December 2009 @ 02:53 pm
I couldn't really understand the bulk of what my mother was yelling about. Through a layer of plywood, there's nothing audible. But those two words she said were somehow crystal clear. And how I wish they weren't. How I wish I never heard them.
"Dad's dead." She shouted it over and over again, each time with more hysteria and anger. I was only able to sit there, with my hands over my mouth, staring at Rhino. Until the door at the top of the stairs flew open and a flurry of instructions was thrown at me. I didn't move. Rhino grabbed my arm and pulled me up. I ran into my room and threw on shoes, a jacket and mitts.
I could see my mom crying. But I still didn't believe it. I talked to my grandmother on the phone and all she could ask was "what are they going to do with him?" With him? For some reason, I still had hope. She was calling my grandpa by name, I thought to myself "hey maybe he's just in the back of the ambulance, still clinging on. That we'll be able to save him."
The thought of the man who had been around me for 20 years of my life being dead was still such a wrong thing to me. It was not until my mother phoned me from the car in front of us, that it truly hit.
My world was officially upside-down.

The man I remember for nothing else but being the one who taught me everything. How to drive a car (when i was 9), or use a snowblower (when i was 11), or to ride a dirt-bike (and how not to cry if i crashed it). The man who never bled, or seemed to get hurt ever. He seemed never to get cold, or tired. But above all, he was proud of me for no matter what I did. I didn't have to take more than two steps in Coaldale without someone walking up to me and talking about me simply because my grandfather, as proud as he could be, told them everything.

That man, I saw him for the last time, was laying peacefully under a white sheet. In the front yard of the house I had spent many years fixing cars, getting into trouble, talking away the summer nights, and using as my second home. A flurry of activity, but right there at the center of it, was that white sheet. I watched them take away my grandfather. I had never even seen my grandfather in the hospital, I had never seen him injured. His body stayed outside for several hours while the police examined the scene and wrote reports. But my mother kept telling me "that's not him, that's just his body." I kept thinking to myself "its so cold out there, why does he have to be laying out there like that?"

People came over to my grandmother's house. We smiled and remembered him in the true fashion that he was. The phone would ring every couple of minutes with a sad voice on the other end expressing their condolences and how much they'd miss him. My grandmother would disappear into another room, crying as she told them what happened.

My family will go on, we'll continue joking and laughing about him. If you knew him you'd know that's what he was like. Always an inappropriate joke to make, or a light hearted semi-racist comment. But one thing is for sure....

No one in my family can say they'd be the same without him. He wouldn't want people to be sad, he'd want them to joke and laugh about him. To remember being his grandson, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

I love you grandpa, I'll never forget you.
Current Location: Canada, Lethbridge
Current Mood: sadsad
30 September 2009 @ 10:32 am

Just got back from a getaway with my Rhino... And now I'm sitting next to a smelly foreign guy in the college. Why is it that people from countries where its hot out have never heard of deodorant? I don't understand. Don't they sweat there? I think its safe to say I never ever want to go to Iraq or wherever for that reason...

Man I wish I was back in Vancouver. I wouldn't even care if he was smelly (maybe a little bit).

So update time. As I said before, I just got back from a vacation with the Rhino on the west coast. It was such a blast (as it usually is). I arrived at YYZ (vancity) at 7:40a last Thursday and we drove to Tswassen to catch a 9:00a ferryboat to the island. And it was beautiful. I haven't been to the island in about 7 years and have never actually been to Victoria. So I took about 76 million pictures.

I helped the Rhino disassemble his METI robot at the University of Victoria gross anatomy facility. And I have never combined seen so many human skulls and bunny rabbits at a University campus in my life. It was pretty sweet. I think I found another school that I would like to go to as some point. After lots of picture taking and driving around, we decided to head the hour drive north of Victoria to Nanaimo and catch the ferry from there back to Horseshoe bay in North Vancouver. At this point, I was completely dead so I hardly remember this, but the rhino doesn't let me forget how ridiculous I apparently was.

Friday morning we farted around in Vancouver for a while, and then at about 3pm we started the trip to Whistler, taking the Sea to Sky the whole way. One of the prettiest drives ever. And really really nice highway now for the Olympics. Again, I took approximatley 23 million pictures. The Rhino had to set up a conference room to demonstrate another creepy robot baby and once the robot was actually delivered to the center all was good. Except for the rotting pig's feet smell inhabiting the whole conference center. That was yucky.

Saturday was the drive back to Vancouver and a relaxing evening with some shopping thrown back in there. I had a fight with Rylan again but that's nothing unusual. Then Sunday we headed home, another pretty drive. :)

And now I sit here in the smelly college thinking about all the beautiful campuses and the ocean. And how stupid that guy at the shirt store was when he said he likes Toronto more than Vancouver. Seriously, what the fuuuuck?

Below is the link to my flickr if you feel like checking out a small fraction of the photos I took. :) 


Current Location: Canada, Lethbridge
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: The Way We Get By - Spoon
21 July 2009 @ 01:29 pm
Massive update time!!!!

So this weekend I went to Vancouver. Yep. Completely random.

As of last Monday, the Rhino asked me if I could get the weekend off to go with him to Vancouver and before I knew it, my weekend was free and I had the boarding pass confirmation texted to my blackberry. That whole week ( as you can imagine) was me being incredibly excited and about 80% not believing it would actually happen. I believed it would somehow fall through right up until I got on the plane, then all of the excitement really flowed through me. I even let out a little excited yelp sitting there on the plane.

I landed in Vancouver without any problems and saw the Rhino sitting right there in baggage claim waiting for me. And from that point on, the weekend just got exponentially better. We did everything. From drinking in the Davie Street Villiage, to walking across the Lion's Gate Bridge. Walking at least 30 kilometeres, we saw Vancouver (in my opinion) in the best way you can. On foot. Gives you a chance to snap 500 pictures when ever you want to. Lets you stop to pet every cute dog that passes, and lets you discover you inner charistmatic being. Which is something I DID discover. How much I talk.  I figured at the time that if I was having a good time, I'd like to let everyone know the fact and make sure they were having a good time as well. Who couldn't though? Its fucking VANCOUVER! *raises arms up above my head, shouting the city name.* 

"Why doesn't everyone in Canada live here?" The question kept coming out of my mouth. From the beaches, to the friendly people, to the fact that you're in a city of three million people, yet they have the second largest urban park in the world and you walk through forests and wildlife habitat to get anywhere. Its absoloutley stunning. I want to move here.

Everyone told me to move there. And I do mean EVERYONE. I ran into a young guy from Lethbridge who told me that I need to come there. He was completely honest with me. He told me that he realized his life was stuck in Lethbridge and he needed to get out, so he packed up a truck and drove west to paradise. He told me the first six months were a complete bitch, but that the city and life was worth it. The fantastic coincidence about this little conversation was that it followed a long talk the night before with my Rhino about how I needed to find my paradise and how I needed to be independent and free. Vancouver is the ticket, in my mind, the ticket to me being happy.

The weekend was short, but not wasted in any way. I got to know the Rhino in ways I'd never expected to know him before (even though we are together now). I learned about his exes and even met one of them. I learned some stories about him that made me feel better about the mistakes I had initially made. And I learned we share a lot of things in common regarding our take on life. I love his maturity. I love that its almost like looking into the future. Seeing that he's really become successful (even though he won't admit it) when he came from the same roots that I did, had the same problems I'm having, and found the solutions that I need to find. I think I'm just like him in that I'm never happy with mediocrity, always striving and scheming for more. (Even though sometimes it seems I'm being lazy about it). I learned a lot this weekend, and I think i need to go back. ;) 

This summer is turning out to be even more incredible than I imagined.


P.S. there are palm trees in Vancouver :P 
Current Location: Lethbridge, Alberta
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Fire Burning on the Dancefloor - Sean Kingston
13 July 2009 @ 01:05 am
I am impressed. Impressed that someone could be this sheltered....

Okay, so if you noticed before the song I was listening to was by U2. Its off their new album and can be seen featured in this amazing advertisement.


To the point... I was conversing with an online friend about it and guess what he said...

He's never heard of U2.... He said he doesn't keep up with new bands. I graciously informed him U2 has been around since the 70s and is one of the most successful and prolific bands in the history of music.

Not knowing who U2 is the equivalent to not knowing that North American is a continent. Which I am frightened to ask him in case he says something like "I don't keep up on new land masses." 

Just... wow...

Current Mood: impressedimpressed
13 July 2009 @ 12:22 am
Holy shit, tons have happened since the last time i've written a journal.

So my friend Darragh the Orca  visited Canada and while I was in Calgary picking him up from the airport, I also got to meet another new person. His name is Michael and he's a White Rhino. (And just a recently "out of the closet" ) furry. With a little coaxing from Tarrin and myself.

The week with the Orca was mainly good except for a few akward and annoying moments (on both our parts). That can't be blamed, though. It was a direct result of many factors of both our doings. But both of us were determined in not letting it ruin our week and his vacation here. Although sometimes it seemed I was bending over backwards on a lost cause. But clearly everything turned out pretty okay or i would've started this journal out with something glum like "i hate my life and everyone in it." Anyways, the Orca wanted to do something "Canadian" so we decided to book a hotel for the Calgary Stampede. Loads of fun was to be had and I furthered my addiction to caesars. Oh yeah! And the Rhino was there too! Along with Tarrin. We all had a blast.

But perhaps I should tell you about this rhino fellow. He's a tall guy (taller than your 6'2" fox) which I like because it actually makes me feel short. But poor Tarrin (sitting at a solid 5'10"-ish) feels as short as a little otter. The rhino is a fantastic fella who I loved getting to know. He very generously took all three of us to Banff to show Darragh even more amazing Canadian things. We climbed ontop of the world-famous Banff Springs Hotel, walked around downtown, and went on a quest for plushies matching our fursonas. Sadly, the Rhino didn't find a rhino plushie :(. Lots and lots of fun, though.

So things are looking up for me :). But I realized some things as I was hanging out in Calgary with some gay people. Its not gay people I don't like, its simply the ones in Lethbridge. Also, everytime I'm in a real city for any extended period of time (3+ days) I come back to Lethbridge exponentially hating this place even more than I did before.

This week was amazing, too. The Rhino came and stayed down here in Lethbridge and we got to spend a lot of time together. Put me in a pretty decent mood, too :3. But now that he's back in Calgary and now off to Vancouver for a week long conference, its going to suck sleeping alone.

Well, that's my short update on the long hiatus.. More to come later. (i'm pretty busy prepping for school in the fall right now.)

Oh yeah! That reminds me.... I got a wicked scholarship and fully paid off my first year of my new program. Its going to be a masters in advertising and media relations communicative arts. Hope I do well :S..... Night everyone!

Current Location: Lethbridge, AB
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight - U2
14 June 2009 @ 04:50 pm
My boss asked me to go to a pride event last night with him after work. I obviously didn't want to go (and neither did he). But he decided that since we're so similar in our opinions on the gay community that we should go together and protect each other from the crap. Well after much pestering from him during our shift, I decided I'd (reluctantly) go. 

So it was closing time at the store, and he had asked a friend of his to drive him (in case he'd ending up drinking there). I followed him home and waited there with him for his ride. My friend Tarrin has joined me and was riding in my car. I was complaining that I was nervous and didn't want to go, but would because my boss is so nice to me and I made a promise I'd not ditch.

Well, I had to stop at the bank first to get cash for the night and by the time I'd gotten to the event, my boss and his friend (also a co-worker of mine) were inside. I pulled up to the event, parking directly infront of the doors and to my horror, every sterotypical gay thing that could be going on... was. Two guys making out in front of my car, transvestites holding hands, gossipy gay guys standing there smoking with their hags. I was starting to regret even getting out of my car.

Now you have to understand that mostly every gay person in this city doesn't like me (because of three guys that decided to run their faggoty little mouths about everything). So of course I feel as though I'm being made fun of for the entire 10 minutes I'm standing there. Needless to say, I didn't go inside. It was a combination of not wanting to go in there alone, not wanting to be made fun of, seeing guys in tight pink pants referring to the drag show as "fierce" or "mega hot", and the man-lady making out with her man-lady girlfriend/boyfriend. So I peaced the fuck outta there. Total duration of my presence; 10 minutes 34 seconds.

I got into my vehicle, blasted the least-gay music I could find, and tore out of there. The fags had already started whispering to each other (which is fucking ridiculous because I'm one; in a car speeding away, and two; in a car blasting music while speeding away). Don't you just love it when everything you figured was going to happen, did? The gay community never ceases to dissapoint me... *sighs*
Current Location: Lethbridge, AB
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Hysteria - Muse